Story of a lovesick fool

Lately, I found that I could not write about her,
It’s not that there are no feelings to describe,
It’s not even a problem of having second thoughts about those feelings.
The problem is that no matter how much I have delved into my brain or how much effort I put into finding a way to arrange & align all thoughts I want to write about,
A way I haven’t still figured out.

But here I’m staring at the blank page,
Which reminds me of my younger self,
Because like there are no words on that paper,
I used to believe there’s nothing called ‘love’
that exists in today’s world,
Even though I have had multiple flings,
For me, Love was just one of the myths.
I used to believe that love is like a fairy tale,
A mere fantasy,
Something that exists in stories only.

But who had an idea that what fate had in its store,
She came into my life,
And crushed my perspective about love,
As if wave-whimsies destroys the castle of sand on the shore.
Beautiful but far & distant like the star,
yet she managed to captivate my heart;
I felt my heart letting go of the chains that were keeping me from falling in love.
She touched parts of my soul that I did not know existed.
And I discovered poetry,
to express this new-found love in this beautiful form of art,
Thanks to her or should I say thanks to that cupid’s dart?

This is what I say changed me forever,
I saw a beautiful girl who could never be forgotten.
And the imperfections she claimed to have, Simply didn’t matter,
Because she had a soul so pure and a heavenly beauty that could not be matched.
I didn’t even realize when I lost my heart to her. when the cupid’s dart skewed thought my heart.

Now, I want to be someone who can make her laugh and smile,
make her tears disappear if the need arise,
Her dreams are now part of my prayers;
Her wish my command; Her joy my duty.
We are so far away from each other,
but something keeps us close.
Just seeing her name flash makes my day,
Never knew that I could feel this way.
Thinking about her, every single day,
She moves me in a way I’ve never felt before.
Each time we talk, I can’t help wanting more,
Disconnected from her physically yet, in every waking realm it is her, that I see, maybe I’m watching endless scenes of a dream within a dream.
A quantum entanglement of love that enraptures me indefinitely,
Evermore a timeless tease, a trap that brings me to my very knees.
A cruel game engraved in my destiny.

Though Deep down inside I already knew the chances are slim, It’s no secret that I can’t hide my feelings.
But in exchange for my confession,
I got the pain,
the anguish when I realized that she doesn’t feel the same.
And I got lost in the never-ending cycle of re-reading old messages, sitting in silence wondering where it all went wrong, making up scenarios in my head of all the lost possibilities.
Attachment sucks.
It made me look stupid when all I was doing is making an effort to talk to her,
To save our friendship,
I wasn’t in a position to ask for more,
Because now she had a boyfriend,
I thought eventually I will get annoyed at myself for wanting to talk to her.

I kept telling myself that this feeling of love is just a fragile bubble,
too easy to pop with a single pinprick.
So, I started going out with other girls but even that failed to do the trick.
I lied once again to myself, I thought this ‘bubble’,
with the passing time will become thinner,
And it will just vanish into nothingness without any trace of its prior existence.
But even the ever turning wheel of the time wasn’t able to end my feelings for her,

Those perpetual feelings seemed to have eternal persistence.

It was clear that these feelings can’t go away,
So, to deal with this I found another way,
I started telling myself why I’m not worthy of getting her love,
Once known as ‘overconfident and boasting’ type me,
Started becoming familiar with my so many flaws.
All attempts to take her out of my heart were failed badly,
I was sick of choosing between heart or mind, consistently.
And somehow my heart always dominated,
Which kept telling himself that it’s okay,
‘Cause at least, we were still friends.

It was that ineffable friendship that was bringing us close once again,
This time I decided to stay cool, play safe,
I didn’t want to set things back to the time when even our friendship was almost-lost.
So, I set some limits for me, made some laws,
I decided to talk with her only within a certain time period a day,
No video calls not even voice calls.
No matter how much my heart yearn to hear her sweet voice,
These limits soon started feeling like prison walls, suffocating my love-sick heart.

Fate,
Who was already, cruelly testing her strength,
Was now testing my patience, my love.
This time, she made me confess my love, once again,
But as I had predicted it didn’t matter,
Cause she had already started dating someone new,
Letting my heart to sink into far deep of the blue.
I decided to stick to my already defined limits.
But what was the use? How was I going to hide something that she already knew?

A friend, just a friend, Is that what all I am supposed to be?
close but not close enough,
What we share can only go so far?
Never felt the ‘distance’ so palpably,
When he proposed and she said yes,
Oh lord, my mind became an absolute mess.
My world, a complete mayhem.

I lay numb on the bed for hours, hands shaking, breath ripping at my lungs.
The love I feel turned into blood flowing through my veins,
Pumping from my damaged yet functioning heart.
Heart, which was deeply hurt by her,
but the blame isn’t all for her,
cause I’m the only one who loved her.
Even the wounds she inflicts, I shall treasure for eternity.
Even still, I want to reassure her that she’s my world and I’ll do whatever I have to be in her orbit.

Why I hold on?
I do not know, I probably will never know why.
Should move forward, Yes, But I feel like I would rather just die.
Maybe I’m just another page in her book, torn and cut, she didn’t bother to look.
But my friend, I have this bad habit, I never lie,
So, It was true when I told her that my love is at the stage, from where it will never die.

My heart has filled itself again with maybe-false hope,
That it will all be okay.
It wants to keep trying until my patience runs dry.
It doesn’t want to believe the inevitable
I know it does sounds stupid.
As dumb & crazy as I sound like a lovesick fool.

– Mahesh.